So I could totally write about so many interesting things this week, the day Osama Bin Laden died, Holocaust Remembrance Day, taxes, elections, earthquakes, floods, sex, drugs, and rock and roll. But I will not. I am writing to get something off my chest the subject of kids with ADHD and the high expectation of compliance in society- even in the church community.
You see, what do you do when the expectation of “obedience” is there but your kid just has behavioral issues that are chemical, and genetic and just simply looks disobedient and out of control. Do you beat it out of them? How much of a beating, how much of a time in isolation do you give...over and over and over again? In one breath the spiritual aspects of “obedience” is relevant and obligated, but also as a Mom of three boys with focusing issues, and that word..."distractibility"... I can tell you there are days I feel utterly emotionally defeated by the judgements of other people. My kids are feral even to my standards most days and I feel like sprinkling Ritalin in their cereal but really the reason I want to do that is not for MY benefit...it’s to comply to other’s expectations about how well they should act. I think the church should feel less like the world and be more of a refuge but sadly I think I am not alone in my isolated experience.
I will take this back to a church issue because I clearly posted a picture of Ezekiel bread for a reason. There are kids that sit all lovely and complient, participate in a worship service dressed in khakis and button down shirts and a tie. Lovely. This is not the picture of my family. My estimation is that they did not have an hour battle over “sensory” issues of how the clothing feels in “temperature or softness” that Sunday with all of their children. Now sit those well complient home schooled (I am not knocking homeschooling but drawing a contrast) children next to mine and the comparisons are vast. In the church community, do we see kids that have behavior and learning problems as “disobedient” little scoundrels having parents that simply do not have proper authority over their children? With reality show families like the Duggars that ooze Christian ideals...I think it gives a false expectation on families and what they should "look" like.
Seriously consider how you “judge” other peoples kids and their parents when that hellion is screaming in store or better yet having a freak out in church. Or do we support parents that at the end of the day- make decisions to love, keep the communication lines open, and an extra amount of grace is needed for all to survive...maybe more than what Leviticus demands simply because ADHD did not exist in Biblical times. How you judge that squirmy rambuncsious kid and his mother? I am not negating proper discipline by any means...no way...no how...but I am saying until people have lived with the same kind of issues as mine I would please ask that people refrain from judgement on my parenting perspective or the ability to withstand endurance at the end of the day. The end of the day I want my kids to know that God loves them, even with their feral ways. I mean really... John the Baptist eating locusts wearing sackcloth? Hello people this is not your pew sitting compliant child! Think about what John’s poor mother must have been seen as...well somewhat neglectful. And Ezekiel? Cooking over a pile of poop? My kids so would love to do that in the backyard of our church. And David....dancing naked before the Lord? He made his Father proud, but his cranky wife had a thing or two to say about that.They are going to break rules, push boundaries just like we do in our fleshly ways but I want them to know that they are accepted as they are. The discipline is because I love them, but I also KNOW they need an exorbitant amount of mercy and grace. I get to choose when that is.
I kind of wish the body of faith understood that too sometimes for parents of kids with ADHD. In more than just providing “programs” or Sunday school. The support of someone saying- “I thought I would loose it during those days” or “you are a great Mom and it must be extra difficult with not 1, not 2, but 3 kids with ADD” Some people would say their is no such thing as ADD/ADHD...that kids just need discipline or the father needs to discipline the “right” way not the “wrong” way. The school’s at fault, the kid is at fault or that kids is exposed to way to much violence. I will say this- when you know that your child has ADD because he can’t stop wetting the bed because his hormones are immature, or that he cracks his jaw, neck and cracks his knuckles out of impulse control issues, or has never been able to sit still (even inutero) and is propelled by his own interests over and above anyone else’s, temper tantrums hours long, low self esteem (regardless of how popular he is), high levels of frustration that manifest in feeling and being out of control and indulging his body to act out the frustration in either bodily harm to others (and later in life which we are trying to prevent...himself) or the obsessive tendencies to fight over a tiny lego piece with a sibling. I don’t think the behavior is because little Johnny just didn’t have the proper discipline. What motivates my kid, isn’t what motivates yours. In fact, the play between instant gratification and prolonged gratification while is also insight on our flesh natures while being so true, some of us have more fleshy natures than others. The kids with ADHD just where it on the outside instead of pushing way down somewhere it can't be dealt with. We all struggle with this. Why does one person pop a brownie in their mouth when feeling bad and another take a jog on a track? Motivation and gratification. Some people have learned habits and others have more tendency to have their brains function in a certain way and have mountains to climb to accomplish something like getting out bed. If people can relate to depression in adults within the body of faith (because they have experienced it) and approach that person with a comment like...”wow, you must want to kill yourself at the end of the day...have you tried just counting your blessings and just being happy?” For someone who has a chemical imbalance this is just the encouragement and support they need! NOT!
Prayer, encouragement, something that lifts someone up that says...”God loves you, and you are not alone. God has the power and ability to heal your depression.” For anyone that doesn’t believe in chemical ups and downs....ask a women going through menopause, or a pregnant women, or a women whose just lost a baby, or a women who has PMS or a women who suffers post pardum depression. We don’t point the finger at a women whose lost a baby and say “it must be something you ate” or “just relax and you’ll conceive” when really her body doesn’t produce enough estrogen to hold a pregnancy.
So why all the fuss Lucy2Shoes about ADHD and the church? Well...let’s stop blaming the parents for not keeping their kids “in control” as per the Bible. Let’s not see “obedience” the way it looks for the Duggars as the goal for kids with ADHD. Because essentially not seeing the difficulties of families with kids like this is basically no different than blaming a women for her lack of estrogen or the father for that matter. How about love, mercy and grace so that when kids with ADHD hate themselves because the world has rejected them or they don't meet up with even the church's standards of what "obedience" looks like...that they know a Father that loves them, accepts them for who God created them to be. I mean after all- we wouldn't have Ezekiel bread locust sandwiches cooked over poop without prophets that pushed the envelope at bit now would we?
You see, what do you do when the expectation of “obedience” is there but your kid just has behavioral issues that are chemical, and genetic and just simply looks disobedient and out of control. Do you beat it out of them? How much of a beating, how much of a time in isolation do you give...over and over and over again? In one breath the spiritual aspects of “obedience” is relevant and obligated, but also as a Mom of three boys with focusing issues, and that word..."distractibility"... I can tell you there are days I feel utterly emotionally defeated by the judgements of other people. My kids are feral even to my standards most days and I feel like sprinkling Ritalin in their cereal but really the reason I want to do that is not for MY benefit...it’s to comply to other’s expectations about how well they should act. I think the church should feel less like the world and be more of a refuge but sadly I think I am not alone in my isolated experience.
I will take this back to a church issue because I clearly posted a picture of Ezekiel bread for a reason. There are kids that sit all lovely and complient, participate in a worship service dressed in khakis and button down shirts and a tie. Lovely. This is not the picture of my family. My estimation is that they did not have an hour battle over “sensory” issues of how the clothing feels in “temperature or softness” that Sunday with all of their children. Now sit those well complient home schooled (I am not knocking homeschooling but drawing a contrast) children next to mine and the comparisons are vast. In the church community, do we see kids that have behavior and learning problems as “disobedient” little scoundrels having parents that simply do not have proper authority over their children? With reality show families like the Duggars that ooze Christian ideals...I think it gives a false expectation on families and what they should "look" like.
Seriously consider how you “judge” other peoples kids and their parents when that hellion is screaming in store or better yet having a freak out in church. Or do we support parents that at the end of the day- make decisions to love, keep the communication lines open, and an extra amount of grace is needed for all to survive...maybe more than what Leviticus demands simply because ADHD did not exist in Biblical times. How you judge that squirmy rambuncsious kid and his mother? I am not negating proper discipline by any means...no way...no how...but I am saying until people have lived with the same kind of issues as mine I would please ask that people refrain from judgement on my parenting perspective or the ability to withstand endurance at the end of the day. The end of the day I want my kids to know that God loves them, even with their feral ways. I mean really... John the Baptist eating locusts wearing sackcloth? Hello people this is not your pew sitting compliant child! Think about what John’s poor mother must have been seen as...well somewhat neglectful. And Ezekiel? Cooking over a pile of poop? My kids so would love to do that in the backyard of our church. And David....dancing naked before the Lord? He made his Father proud, but his cranky wife had a thing or two to say about that.They are going to break rules, push boundaries just like we do in our fleshly ways but I want them to know that they are accepted as they are. The discipline is because I love them, but I also KNOW they need an exorbitant amount of mercy and grace. I get to choose when that is.
I kind of wish the body of faith understood that too sometimes for parents of kids with ADHD. In more than just providing “programs” or Sunday school. The support of someone saying- “I thought I would loose it during those days” or “you are a great Mom and it must be extra difficult with not 1, not 2, but 3 kids with ADD” Some people would say their is no such thing as ADD/ADHD...that kids just need discipline or the father needs to discipline the “right” way not the “wrong” way. The school’s at fault, the kid is at fault or that kids is exposed to way to much violence. I will say this- when you know that your child has ADD because he can’t stop wetting the bed because his hormones are immature, or that he cracks his jaw, neck and cracks his knuckles out of impulse control issues, or has never been able to sit still (even inutero) and is propelled by his own interests over and above anyone else’s, temper tantrums hours long, low self esteem (regardless of how popular he is), high levels of frustration that manifest in feeling and being out of control and indulging his body to act out the frustration in either bodily harm to others (and later in life which we are trying to prevent...himself) or the obsessive tendencies to fight over a tiny lego piece with a sibling. I don’t think the behavior is because little Johnny just didn’t have the proper discipline. What motivates my kid, isn’t what motivates yours. In fact, the play between instant gratification and prolonged gratification while is also insight on our flesh natures while being so true, some of us have more fleshy natures than others. The kids with ADHD just where it on the outside instead of pushing way down somewhere it can't be dealt with. We all struggle with this. Why does one person pop a brownie in their mouth when feeling bad and another take a jog on a track? Motivation and gratification. Some people have learned habits and others have more tendency to have their brains function in a certain way and have mountains to climb to accomplish something like getting out bed. If people can relate to depression in adults within the body of faith (because they have experienced it) and approach that person with a comment like...”wow, you must want to kill yourself at the end of the day...have you tried just counting your blessings and just being happy?” For someone who has a chemical imbalance this is just the encouragement and support they need! NOT!
Prayer, encouragement, something that lifts someone up that says...”God loves you, and you are not alone. God has the power and ability to heal your depression.” For anyone that doesn’t believe in chemical ups and downs....ask a women going through menopause, or a pregnant women, or a women whose just lost a baby, or a women who has PMS or a women who suffers post pardum depression. We don’t point the finger at a women whose lost a baby and say “it must be something you ate” or “just relax and you’ll conceive” when really her body doesn’t produce enough estrogen to hold a pregnancy.
So why all the fuss Lucy2Shoes about ADHD and the church? Well...let’s stop blaming the parents for not keeping their kids “in control” as per the Bible. Let’s not see “obedience” the way it looks for the Duggars as the goal for kids with ADHD. Because essentially not seeing the difficulties of families with kids like this is basically no different than blaming a women for her lack of estrogen or the father for that matter. How about love, mercy and grace so that when kids with ADHD hate themselves because the world has rejected them or they don't meet up with even the church's standards of what "obedience" looks like...that they know a Father that loves them, accepts them for who God created them to be. I mean after all- we wouldn't have Ezekiel bread locust sandwiches cooked over poop without prophets that pushed the envelope at bit now would we?
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